Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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