You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
