And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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