1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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