WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
