Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
