Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
