Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
