I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
