I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
