Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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