accomplished twins. life is a go
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
