i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
