In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
