Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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