I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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