mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i love accidental penises.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
