When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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