i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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