Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
