So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
