I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
