When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
