i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
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No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
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So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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