Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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