I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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