Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
