I'm laying in your front yard are you home
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
