just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
