the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
