i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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