Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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