The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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