Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
