Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
