My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
