if i can run in heels then i can drive
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
