I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
