i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
