wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
