I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the condom got lost in my hair
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
