I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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