I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
