it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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