Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just found a bag of teeth...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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