I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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