I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
