I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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