Can i not drive my cunt home
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
