my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
