Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
