glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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