I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
