i may or may not be watching the land before time
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
