to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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