guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
