I just saw a hot homeless man
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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