farters have to be the big spoon...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
