My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
